Finding A Way To Forgive
Forgiving someone - or yourself - can be challenging. In our culture, often it feels easier to point the finger of blame than it does to adopt an attitude of forgiveness.
But finding a way to forgive can be empowering and it helps you to understand yourself better and move forward in your life in a more positive way.
What do you want to forgive?
Forgiveness is a decisive act. It is about letting go. But, before we can forgive something we need to ask ourselves “what is it that I want to forgive and why?” It may be helpful to explore how you feel about the issue you want to forgive.
Own your emotions
Often people feel angry or upset about something that has occurred in the past. It’s important to realise that these feelings are happening within you rather than between you and the other person. The person in question may be completely unaware that you are upset or angry. Owning the emotions you feel is the first step to let it go. You can’t change someone else or force them to think or behave in a particular way. When you accept your feelings as yours then you can choose to let it go.
Accept the way you feel
Try to understand and accept the emotions you are feeling. Many of us struggle with feelings of anger. It may seem unreasonable and can make us feel guilty or ashamed. Be kind to yourself. Anger is a powerful emotion. We get angry when something is unfair and we feel the need to defend us, so the anger is helpful for us to notice such needs. However the anger itself sometimes looks unreasonable, then instead of responding to our need to defend us, we can feel shameful or guilty. It is because it may have been triggered by experiences from the past which we have not managed to appreciate or own. Anger always has a fair reason. Instead of feeling guilty about your anger, be kind to yourself accepting you have a reason to be angry. Try to understand your needs, try to look after yourself in a caring way. This way we learn to trust ourselves and our feelings and make our life fulfilling and better for ourselves.
Find the feeling
Yumiko Asakura, who founded Leaves Institute, is an experienced psychotherapist. She explained that the starting point of forgiveness is always to go back to the anger or upset – the part of you that was let down or disappointed or unsatisfied – because only when you have identified the feeling you want to let go of can you forgive. It is not about saying the words, it is about the feeling inside yourself. Someone can ask for your forgiveness but you will not be able to give it until you are ready.
Do it for yourself
Forgiveness is always something you do for yourself and not for the other person. If we blame someone else for things that have happened in our life, we give away our control about that matter. Then we become a victim and it is not possible to change our life from this perspective. We may become trapped in a cycle of blaming and waiting for other people to make things right. If you are unable to forgive someone, a part of you is still controlled by them. Once you are able to forgive, you can take back that lost part of your authority, helping you to become stronger and more confident. Be aware that when you forgive someone they may not respond in the way you expect or would like. But if you remember that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, their response becomes less important.
Recognise the gifts
It is not possible to change the past, but we can appreciate what we’ve experienced and learn from it. We can use it to understand ourselves and our life better. If we see the things that happen to us as happening for a reason – even if it is to learn and grow – then we can learn to make better choices in the future. It’s not always easy, but seeing problems as a gift to help you to make positive changes in your life makes it easier to forgive. And many times, when we have learned the lesson the problems will disappear.
Consciously connect
If you are experiencing pain – physical or emotional – connect with it consciously and try to understand what it is telling you. Be aware of the loss or sadness that may be underlying it. It is trying to tell you something important. By listening to it, or connecting with it, you will gain invaluable knowledge about your life or choices that can make a positive change in your life. Tell yourself that only good things happen to you and that you can learn from this uneasy experience. It is uneasy, difficult or painful so that you cannot ignore it! Trust yourself. You know the best about yourself. Conscious or not, you are on the path to fulfill spiritual purpose. If you really look at your feelings with courage you might learn something that is crucial for your life.
If you are struggling to forgive someone, often it is because you haven’t completely understood what you are letting go of. It might be helpful to ask yourself what you need to do for that part of yourself that feels hurt and upset.
Some ways to let go
Here are some things you can do to assist you on the journey towards forgiveness:
Write a letter to that person (even if they are no longer alive). Sometimes you might want to send the letter but often it is enough just to write it.
Sometimes counselling can help you to unpick your feelings. However often these feelings and emotions may be hard to verbalize. So finding different ways to express yourself – such as art therapy – may help you to gain a better understanding of what’s going on. Drawing or painting your feelings and emotions help you to see them in different light to understand better.
Once you’ve clarified what you want to forgive, you may want to talk to the person involved. Alternatively, create a personal forgiveness ritual. Writing a letter and burning it allows the energy to pass to the person involved, or their spirit. Or you could speak it in front of a witness (it may be a friend or a counsellor), explaining who and what you want to forgive. Or choose an object to symbolise the person involved and speak it to them.